Resolving Conflict with a Co-Worker

Posted on January 26, 2010 by Laurence H. Baker

We all have disagreements in the work place, and disagreements can become conflicts that interfere with our ability to accomplish our work when emotions become involved. These emotions often stem from primitive feelings of fight or flight and that is why they seem so vexing to resolve. The key to resolving conflict is to recognize emotions, ours and theirs, create safety and focus on mutual benefit.

Here’s an example situation: I want to have Pets checked in quickly; Jane* wants to ask a lot of questions during registration at the front desk. Emotions of conflict could build with my co-workers when I apply an underlying negative meaning to a given situation. For instance, “Jane takes forever checking in Pets even though she knows it slows my work down. Jane doesn’t respect my role.” Now, not only am I behind in my work, from my perspective, but my co-worker is insulting me! If this conflict has gone on a while, with me grumbling about “we sure could speed things up around here” with Jane in earshot, I should assume that Jane now has emotions about this, too.

To have a conversation about this conflict that will bring a positive resolution, it’s a good idea to follow these simple guidelines:

  • Signpost the difficulty of the upcoming conversation
    Signposting is telling your co-worker to emotionally prepare for a difficult discussion. This prevents a feeling that they have been ambushed and leads to more openness.
  • Attend to the relationship
    For your co-worker to consider meeting you halfway there needs to be some good will in the relationship. Your co-worker is more likely to work with you if they sense you want to get along with them, not assert your ideas over theirs.
  • Speak to emotions
    There is nothing so powerful in a relationship as feeling like a colleague is trying to understand what it feels like, from the co-worker’s perspective.
  • Focus on mutual benefit
    You want to enlist the co-worker in a project that will benefit both of you in your work.

Signpost difficulty: “Jane, I know this may be hard to discuss, and I think it’s important.”

Attend to the relationship: I have to have integrity without attachment. I need to focus myself on resolving the problem so that we can both accomplish our work. I need to let go of wanting to win.

Speak to emotions: Focus on empathy. “You want to make sure we have complete information before we start caring for the Pet.”

Focus on mutual benefit: “I want to talk to you about our differences on how to get Pets cared for when they come to our hospital. We both want efficient and effective Pet care. I want to understand why you see things the way you do and share with you my perspective and feelings.”

This approach often helps to ease conflict and develop constructive problem solving. It is not always easy to do, especially when you feel angry or upset. One additional benefit is that, when I use this approach, I feel that, whether or not I am successful with the co-worker, I have conducted myself with integrity.

How do these conversations go in your office? What have you found useful in talking to your co-workers about conflict?

Some additional articles about resolving conflicts:

*sample situation not intended to reflect on any actual persons



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